“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.“
Ephesians 4:32 (NIV)
One of the most difficult things I am dealing with on my path is forgiveness.
I can honestly tell you right now that there are at least two people I cannot even IMAGINE forgiving. Seriously. I can’t imagine ever letting go of what they did to me. Even though I know it’s what I should do. Even though I know it’s what God wants me to do. (note: even though those people haven’t asked me to forgive them – and I doubt they ever will.)
I’m sitting here all like “fuck them. They are bad people. They hurt everyone around them. They hurt me so much that I want to scream at the top of my lungs about how horrible they are. ” The thought of forgiving those people – (and that leads me to the side thought of forgiving those who enabled them and continue to do so…which is almost as difficult……)
Anyway, fuck them.
Right?
Like I said in an earlier post, it’s on the big To-Do list of my new life with Jesus.
And jut like any other to-do list, I’m rather good at procrastinating about it. I know I need to but I don’t want to.
Because….what do I fill that space with? When I get rid of the anger and pain how do I keep going? When I’ve had that anger and pain for years and years and years burning inside me, I have a hard time fathoming life without it.
I’m not a foolish woman. I know that it’s what I need. I know it will be wonderful and amazing and I’ll feel incredible and probably be able to sleep for the first time in years….
And God is kinda pushy, have you noticed that? Because the more I try to ignore it, the more things keep happening to remind me of it. God is like that. I can’t keep pretending this pain doesn’t exist.
So if you’re reading this, pray for me? It’s time to really deal with this pain. It’s time to have a long talk with God and work on forgiving some people.
Maybe when I’m done with that I can start working on forgiving myself, too.
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