Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.
1 John 4:7
After I left the church, I studied quite a few other religions. Wicca, Judaism, Asatru, Buddhism and more. I created a hodge podge of all of them for my “own” religion. There was one constant in my life and it is integral to my way of being.
It’s simple and yet the most difficult thing to do. I try to live my life with love. It hasn’t always been easy. I’ve had my heart broken and I’ve broken hearts. Not just lovers but friends.
Through it all I’ve tried to be joyful and filled with love for all.
About two years ago that was put to the test. I went out on a limb and did something that I felt I needed to do. That action caused me to lose friends and a career. I was celebrated for a few months and then the media machine rolled on, leaving me by the side of the road (at least that’s how I felt).
I was lost. And I was angry. One of my wake up calls came from a friend a few months ago. She told me I appeared to be doing better. “Better?” I asked.
“Yes,” she said. “You were so angry and bitter. You really worried me. But now you seem to have found your joy again.”
And there I was, thinking I was dealing with my heartache. Thinking there was nothing wrong with me – the other people were wrong. They had hurt me and used me and…..
I went home that night and really thought about the anger I’d been holding on to for almost 2 years. Two years is a mighty long time to be angry. And I was angry at EVERYTHING. The gods, the universe, the industry I used to work in. All of them. I wasn’t better though. I was just exhausted. Holding on to anger for that long had me worn down. So she wasn’t really sensing that I was better. She was sensing the exhaustion in my very soul.
Anger is poison. I see that now. It doesn’t just poison me. It poisons everything and everyone around me. I had to let go of that poison.
I hadn’t returned to Jesus yet but I spent a lot of time meditating and focusing on finding my joy and sharing it. I slowly started to return to normal. But I knew something was still missing. I grilled my Gothi (Asatru priest) for answers. But he didn’t have any that satisfied me.
Of course if you’re reading this, you know what I was missing.
I had all the love in the universe around me but hadn’t tapped back into it.
I was exhausted after years of sharing love and joy because I wasn’t connected to the source. I knew there was a Divine Being but stopped talking to Him (Her/Them/Insert however you define the Divine here) years ago. I thought I could do it on my own.
Wow, was I wrong.
And now that I’ve connected back to God I feel incredible. Of course there are still moments when I think about that anger and can reconnect to it. But I know it’s poison. Holding onto that anger again is going back to who I used to be. Because of God I know I’m better than that. I know that I can focus on Him and His love and that will help me push through the darkness.
Because God is Love.
Of course it’s not that simple. Just dedicating my life back to God and opening my heart again to Jesus hasn’t fixed me. I have a lot to work through. A lot of mistakes that I’ve made. A lot that weighs on my soul.
When the path to deal with the anger and hurt and pain looks impassable I pull out my bible and read 1 John. It helps me remember that God’s love will help me. That God will be by my side every step of the way. That because He loves me I can conquer any obstacle, even the ones I created myself.
Being connected to that source of love is an incredible blessing. It humbles me and make me want to sing for joy. Thank you, God. Thank you.