You have searched me, Lord,
and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
you, Lord, know it completely.
You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain. (Psalm 139:1- 6)
Content warning: mention of sexual trauma. Triggers possible.
I recently wrote out my spiritual journey. As I started writing, I realized how much of my life has been influenced by a very horrible thing that happened to me when I was a child.
(Trigger here, skip ahead if you need, Look for the **** to where that discussion stops).
I was sexually molested by my older best friend and her boyfriend when I was 9 years old. I don’t remember the incident itself – and I don’t want to. My memory was of the boy walking towards me and then it all goes black. For years I told myself I ran home so he couldn’t touch me, but after a lot of work with my therapist, I realized I hadn’t run away – that those two had molested me and I carry the scars of that to this day.
I showed classic behavior of childhood sexual trauma from that point on. No real studies had been done at that point so none of the therapists my parents sent me to could really help me. They just knew something was wrong with me. I didn’t remember – I’d blocked it out – so I couldn’t even help anyone who wanted to help me.
I was very angry. Horribly angry. I hated the world and myself. Worst of all, I did many things that I regret because of that trauma. Now that I know what happened, I’m working through it and can finally forgive myself for the things I did.
As I wrote out my spiritual journey, I had to mention the trauma because it explains why I left the church. I was incredibly angry at everyone because I felt betrayed. Betrayed by my parents for not protecting me. Betrayed by the church for not fixing me. And most of all I felt betrayed by God because it happened.
*** (triggers end)***
I have found that I can now forgive myself for what I did during those years. It’s been difficult – I have so much shame! I don’t like who I was back then or the things I did.
I turned my back on God not only because He didn’t save me that day, but I also turned my back on Him because I was broken and couldn’t believe I was worthy of God’s love.
When I realized all of this I was heartbroken. I missed out on decades of God’s love because I couldn’t fathom Him loving someone like me. I finally realized that being a child of God means we have one of the greatest gifts ever – God’s love and mercy. It’s so hard to comprehend that love for us! We try but can only imagine it from our humanity and none of us are capable of having and giving love like that.
- Now that I understand why I did those things, I can forgive myself.
- Now that I understand God never stopped loving me, I can forgive myself.
- Now that I understand that I am not alone in my shame because all of us have done things we are ashamed of, I can forgive myself.
I stayed away from God because I knew that He knew me completely. Every thought, every whisper, every action – and my shame kept me away.
I was led through a guided meditation by my priest, Sally, recently. In that meditation, she had me imagine I was sitting on a hill overlooking the beach. I then imagined Jesus walking up to me and kneeling by me. He reached out and held my hand and then touched my face.
After the meditation, Rev. Sally asked me if I leaned into Jesus or away from him when I imagined him touching my face. “Oh, I leaned in,” I said. She told me many people pull away at that moment.
I understand why some people pull away. After all, I spent 20+ years away from God for the same reason.
Our shame keeps us from Jesus. Our shame holds us back from feeling God’s love for us. But if you lean into it, let His love wash over you? Oh my friends, what a glorious feeling that is!
For today, I have one favor to ask of you.
Imagine Jesus is before you – and he reaches out and pulls you into a hug. Don’t pull away. Let yourself fall into His embrace. He’s got you. For now and always. He forgives you for all of those sins. He loves you and wants nothing more than to hold you close forever.
Will you do that for me? Let yourself go completely and fully trust God? If you do, I promise you won’t regret it, not for one moment.
God is incredible and he wants nothing more than to show you how much he loves you and forgives you for the wrongs you’ve done. What a wonderful, freeing, and beautiful thing to know.
God, thank you for your love, your mercy, and your forgiveness. Help us feel that love around us as we struggle to forgive ourselves for what we have done. Please help us rest in your loving arms throughout the day and forevermore. Amen.